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I first came to know the Lord in February of 1981, at that time I was a senior in high school, and although it would of been a good time to reach out to others, I didn't. I pretty much went on doing the same stupid things that teenagers are apt to do, I wasn't attending church anywhere, and had no real mentoring going on, so I just went on doing what I thought was good to do. My friend who had led me to the Lord came back from California that summer, and seeing the poor state I was in, gave me a bible and told me I ought to read it. I did, and something really neat happened, I began to change. Not overnight grant you, but as I read, my heart began a change that even amazed me. You see, I was quite the foul mouthed, foul thinking youth that most teens are, I was probably more mean then most, as I had my own self-esteem issues, and I thought cutting others down made me look good. One incident that occurred around that time sticks in my head. I remember bumping into a girl who I had harassed and teased to the point of causing her to cry many times, and I remember telling her how sorry I was, and I asked her to forgive me, and she did. I wish this would have been a principle I would of carried on with, but I didn't. I started going to bible college in 1984 thinking I would become a minister, or something. I wasn't very clear on what exactly, I just knew it was what I should do. Problem with having self-esteem issues that never get resolved is that you are always afraid of failure, and it tends to keep you from completing things. Needless to say, I never completed school. The rest of that decade was a cycle of backsliding, coming back, etc., It so pains me now to even think of so many wasted years, chasing after what I thought was right. I was so wrong about so many things I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can nail down a cause to this; I had read my bible a few times and thought I knew something. I could quote you chapter and verse to almost any problem one could have. Problem was, I was good at doing that for others, but could never take my own advise. Pride is something I never really thought I would have a problem with, and suddenly, here it was. I thought I knew more then everyone else, so I stopped reading, I stopped growing, and started slowly slipping into a comfortable numbness. I stopped going to church, I stopped seeking the things of God, I just was going on my own, doing what I thought was right. How foolish I was. Wandering in the Wilderness You find you have come to a place in life where you just exist. You go to work, come home, watch T.V., and just go on with this existence that really doesn't mean much to you, but you continue knowing not what else to do. I am a workaholic, I think I learned that from my father, and I just kept putting all my worth into my job, so as long as the job was going good, so was I, but when the job turned sour, well so did I. Along the way, I kept thinking I was a Christian, but I was as Paul describes in 2nd Timothy 3:5 "Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof:" I thought I could just go on, and everything would be fine, but of course, it never can go on that way. Sin Issues When I first came to know the Lord, I didn't know really what was required. I found some things out on my own, but other things, I either justified them away, or thought no big deal, God will understand. The obvious ones I stopped. I quit drinking, quit partying, stopped using drugs, smoking pot, but I still smoked cigarettes, and had a big problem with lust. I first was introduced to pornography while still in grade school. The sickening thing about it, is the more you look, the more you want. And, as you you look at more, then it becomes a thing where your desires become more and more wicked, every girl you look at, you stare at them with evil intent, and it's just a vicious cycle that continues until it destroys you emotionally, and spiritually. I was trying to remain a virgin at the time, so even though I knew it was wrong to do, I continued looking at pornography. I would have periods of my life where I would have victory over it, but in time I would slip back and start doing it again. I thought marriage would help, and when I was married I was on cloud 9 for quite some time. I thought I had finally found fulfillment, purpose, meaning to my life, but again, if you do things apart from God, they are bound to fail. Although my wife and i had many blessings to be thankful for, we lived a very selfish life, her with her shopping, me with my lust. We fought alot, and I thought well, since I'm unhappy, I had a right to seek it elsewhere. I sought affairs, spent time and money with prostitutes, even going so far to become involved in the business end of it, creating websites for them, helping them market themselves, all the time thinking I was doing some great service. In came crashing down one day when I was arrested for my activities. I thought my life would be over, I seriously contemplated suicide, but God had other plans. The Prodigal comes home Jan 22nd, 2006. I don't remember what the sermon was on, I was there for one purpose. I wanted to go forward when the altar call came. I know there was only going to be one way I could get through this, and that was with God, and He has been faithful. My marriage is stronger then it ever was before, and bit by bit, God has been leading me in the way that I should go. Do I still make mistakes, do the wrong thing? Yup, you bet, the difference is now though, is I have a place to run, a place to hide when I feel the weight of the world upon me. It's Jesus. "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30 Perhaps you feel you've done wrong, that you've crossed the line, While there is still breath in you, you can repent, and get it settled, I pray you get it settled soon.
What I'm doing now: I am currently attending Temple Baptist Church in Kenosha, WI. You can see their website here. I have decided to continue my education, am taking coursework through Liberty University. I continue playing guitar and singing, I minister at the Cancer Center at Midwestern Regional Medical Center in Zion, IL. once a month. (more to come)
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This page was last updated on 05/22/08 . |
